The Glowing Aftermath
There is a particular type of frustration that comes with reassembling a piece of IKEA furniture for the fifth time. You know that you had all the pieces at one point, but suddenly you don’t. You wonder why you only have one specifically-sized screw when you once had four. So you slump your shoulders, stare at the ceiling, and ask yourself a simple question with no simple answer: “How did I get here?”
The “here” is not a physical but an emotional place. The confusing aftermath of a toxic and unhealthy relationship is bizarre and disconcerting for most; navigating the trails of “what ifs” and “maybes” is a difficult feat. Toxic relationships are hard to comprehend when you are still confined within their walls, and they remain difficult to comprehend when they are still freshly ended. There are several layers to remove before you truly see the depth to which you sank. It’s not a bad thing to recover and heal when a relationship ends; arguably, many people should spend time alone after an unhealthy experience.
But sometimes, you find yourself getting close to a friend with whom you never saw a romantic future, but a future begins to unfold nonetheless. This friend spent countless hours soothing your bruised heart and repeatedly listening to you tell the same stories. Sometimes, that friend is simultaneously going through their own life changes and is receiving your support. To an outsider looking in, it might seem unwise for you to pursue a relationship with this person, but it happens naturally.
This same friend spent two whole evenings painting over a sickeningly pink hallway and rearranging furniture that had no place in an adult man’s home. Rummaging through the chaos of basement storage bins, finding artwork and stuffed animals and college notebooks of the former partner, this friend becomes the beacon in the darkness.
But darkness is consuming.
Getting yourself to a good place after a toxic relationship takes time and effort and creates emotional baggage. Despite good people offering you appropriate help, it’s important to be mindful of how your suffering affects those around you. Every person experiences love and trauma differently. The beauty of good relationships and the destruction caused by bad ones rest in the balance of these differences. The best relationships work because of a deep understanding. Despite the frequently-discussed cost-benefit analysis of how-when-where-and-whom you should date, natural chemistry is the finest indicator.
You may find that after enduring one of the worst situations of your life, you’ve bared enough of your core and sufficiently cleansed your soul to begin offering another person the absolute best version of yourself. This process, while possible, does come not come without cost. To benefit from such a partnership, you must realize that there is no longer room to carry past difficult experiences. These memories can be cataloged and placed on that reassembled IKEA shelf to exist in their own past. There is no need to forget, but no need to dwell. Any offenses committed by disproportionately displacing these negative feelings need to be remedied swiftly and thoroughly. This course requires deep, painful introspection.
Spend time with yourself and understand yourself; make it a priority to appreciate the good in life. Licking your wounds doesn’t mean that you failed; it means that you survived. By remaining open to growth and new possibilities, you may find that coming out of one of your life’s most harmful and poisonous periods can give way to its most rewarding. It may allow you to become the finest version of yourself imaginable. It may allow you room to relax your shoulders, smile out the window, and remind yourself: “I am so lucky to be here.”
